As some of you may know, I've been battling gout for a while now, with infrequent but repeated and severe flare ups. Flare ups that have sent me to the emrgency room twice now, as the pain was so unbearable.

I'm currently in the middle of the worst flare up yet. On the verge of a third visit to the emergency room, simply in an effort for some pain relief - as I know no resolution will be found there. The pain meds they sent me home with, coupled with Tylenol (as that's the only thing I can combine with my presecription pain meds), timed out correctly, is supposed to mitigate the pain and inlfammation. It seemed like it kinda was for a few days, but it sure as shit ain't doin' a damn thing anymore. Walking, even with the boot they gave me on, is like a "only when absolutely necessary" kinda vibe. And that's left me pretty locked in my apartment and on my bed or in my computer chair. Even in front of the computer is difficult for too long, as there's no way to raise my foot above my heart - and that's when I fine the most comfort dealing with this.

Needless to say, if I hadn't lost my job (that's a whole different conversation), there's no way I'd be goin' into work these last couplefewseveral days. I'd be callin' out of work 100%. There's no way. Unless I was seated on my ass at said job for the entirety of my shift, there's no fuckin' way I could work right now. It sucks. I hate feelin' helpless on a single level - which I have for a while now, on multiple levels. Financially and mentally, especially. This does not help. Feelin' like I'm, essentially, incapable of taking care of myself is not something I am comfortable with. At all. After tumultuous relationship trauma, familial and romantic, and doing the full-time single dad thing for nearly 20 years. Surviving. Persevering. Overcoming. Coping. Growing.

This. This shit is very hard for me to grapple with.

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